Cold Weather

Let's start off with a confession (which isn't much of one if you know me)...I'm a smoker. I'm not necessarily proud of it, but I'm addicted and that is that. Now before you get onto your high horse and say that I should just quit, try not breathing for 3 minutes. That's okay, go ahead...I'll wait. Not so easy, is it? Same with trying to quit smoking. I have tried and I generally do fine for about the first 8 hours and then it just starts to gnaw at me. I try to resist, but that little voice in my head is very persistent (Come on, one more for the road. Nobody will know. I'm dying here!). So, here I am still smoking and I have to say I feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed about it. But then, I'm Catholic and we usually feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed about virtually everything.

Anyway, I had to get that out of the way so that I could get to the main part of today's post...cold weather. Now this won't be some long treatise on how much I like the cold, which I generally do. I am one of those people who can stand outside in the most frigid of temperatures without a coat. Doesn't bother me. Well, as long as it isn't too windy, then it's just freaking cold. I've come to believe that I must be at least distantly related to Roald Amundsen. No, this is much more mundane and, to me at least, a much more amusing topic.

While I like cold weather, it seems to have an odd affect on my urinary system. Right after coming in from the cold, I suddenly really, really, really have to go to the bathroom. Now, I'm sure that if I spent enough time searching the Internet, I could find a fine scientific explanation for why that happens, but who wants to spend that kind of time? Not I. (Okay, okay...I admit that I just spent 5 minutes looking for it but came up with nothing. Maybe I need to use different Google search terms. I guess "cold weather pee" weren't precise enough.)

You see, when I go outside to smoke (and this could be at work or at home), being right-handed, I will naturally use my right hand to hold the cigarette. My left hand will be tucked snuggly into my pocket, keeping it from the foul chill. As soon as I come in, I'm faced with a dilemma...I really have to go to the bathroom but my hand is now very, very cold. I see the light starting to dawn in the men's eyes, but I'm sure some females are still a bit confused. Bear with me and I will explain, but first a minor, though related, digression.

When men go to the bathroom, some "aiming" is required. Now, contrary to popular belief, we men are generally surprised and annoyed when we are standing, facing the toilet bowl and suddenly find we are hitting the bathtub or the floor. Just as generally, we shrug this off and continue with our lives knowing full well that the bathtub will drain and the floor will dry. This line of reasoning does not seem to impress many females (and possibly explains why I'm still single). However, in my defense, I do put the toilet seat down after I'm finished - most likely because when I was growing up my mother told me that she would slam my "wee-wee" in it the next time I left it up, but that's just a theory and another story.

For those in the audience who are still confused, think back to your sophomore year of high school and your Health Ed class. Remember that discussion of the male reproductive system and how certain parts need to be maintained at a certain temperature in order to "produce"? Needless to say, a very cold hand can lead to some shrinkage which, in turn, causes problems with the aim. The closest parallel that I can come up with is when you are using a video camera and are zoomed all the way in on something. Every minor movement that you make sends the camera way off what you are shooting. Same with peeing with cold hands. You stand there with a fit of the shivers all the while "el pistola" is rapidly retreating to warmer climes. Needless to say, this is a recipe for a major disaster.

Oh well, the floor will dry...eventually.