I Know What I Did Last Weekend

I apologize for being so long since my last post, but honestly, I couldn't think of anything that was worth writing about. However, that changed this weekend when I went home. Before you get your hopes up that there was some grand adventure possibly including some ultra-secret chemical formula that had to be kept from enemy hands, scantily clad women and lots of impossible to believe gadgets, this ain't that kind of story. No for that, you will need to tune into Alias (Sunday 9pm Eastern). Nope, no matter how much I may wish that that were the case, it was just a simple trip to the place of my birth, the City of Big Shoulders, the Windy City, where Al Capone reigned and Geraldo Rivera shredded his credibility, the place of the stinky onion, that Butcher to the World...Chicago. Or, to be a bit more precise the western suburbs of Chicago - the far western suburbs of Chicago. I mean faaaaar western suburbs. Like the last little hiccup of a town before you run into endless fields of corn.

Now, I didn't grow up in this near perfect replica of small town, rural America (the Starbucks sort of ruins the illusion). Not I. I grew up a mere 9 miles from downtown. I could stand on anyone of the bridges that spanned the Eisenhower Expressway in my hometown and see shimmering in the near distance (is that an oxymoron?) the Sears Tower standing silent vigil over the great metropolis - poetic, huh? But never was a city kid. I am the living embodiment of the Suburban White Boy. In fact that was going to be the original name of this blog, but I decided against it since I didn't want anyone who stumbled upon by accident to be offended without first reading some of the posts and then being offended.

Anyway, my boyhood will have to wait for another post. I'm writing about my trip to Chicago today. The reason for the trip was because my neice Natalie turned 2 on Sunday. In my family, birthdays are not something to be taken lightly...there absolutely must be a celebration of some sort. Generally, this is just the family gathering at my Mom & Dad's house, but at least the birthday person gets to choose the menu and there is always a cake. Mmmmm, caaake.

FRIDAY I left work shortly after 5pm Eastern. As ever, I had intended to leave around 4pm or so, but that just never seems to work out. The drive up was fairly uneventful, Normally, I would just drive to my parent's house, but Serilian (see the link on the right) was playing and I thought that I would surprise the normal crew of friends that attend the shows. I've never heard them sound better - the venue was good, they were "on" and there was a actual sound man who could run the mix properly. Five Coronas and two Jager shots later, I was ready to go home. Oh, and just so you don't think that I was drinking and driving, they made me leave the beer at the bar. Sorry, bad joke. Actually, I generally stop drinking at the first signs of a buzz and switch to water. I've basically gotten over the need to be drunk and why suffer the consequences of a hangover if I don't have to? This isn't to say that I don't get drunk, just that it is not that common and usually when I have someplace to crash.

SATURDAY Started out as a typical morning...up at about 8 or so. Normally, I would have slept in a bit longer, what with having rolled in at about 3am, but my parents aren't big believers in suspending their normal routine just because there is a visitor, especially me. Add to that the guest bedroom is right above the kitchen and the fact that my Mom has this obsession with banging pots around first thing morning...well, you can probably see that sleeping past 8am is not really an option.

Most of Saturday morning and early afternoon were spent loitering around the house. I left and headed for the birthday bash around 2pm, since I had yet to pick up a birthday gift. Granted my niece is only 2 and a handful of dirt would amuse her for hours, but I'm not trying to impress her...it's the other guests. Admit it, in your heart of hearts you know it's not just about the giving of gifts, it's about giving the most perfect gift for the person so that everyone is jealous that they didn't come up with it. A quick trip to the Wal-mart, 5 kid vids and $40 later, I'm ready to go to my sister & brother-in-law's house.

Just as I pull up to the house, my cell rings. I take a quick look at the caller ID and see that it is my sister. Oh, this will be fun. She wants to know if I'm at Wal-mart. Nope. Are you going to Wal-mart? No. Where are you? And that's when I step into the house. Yes, I know, it was all very childish and everything, but it still amuses the hell out of me - much like toliet humor.

The party was a variation on a theme. That theme? Chaos. Most of Erika & Nathan's friends had kids right around the same time as Natalie. Six or seven kids (who can keep count) running pell-mell, screaming, crying, and playing does not a quiet evening make. In the kitchen there seemed some sort of contest amoung the adults on who could speak the loudest. I've come to the conclusion that beer in some way inhibits the hearing...why else would people who are standing less than 2 feet way need to shout? By 9pm, I was done and headed back to the new family homestead.

Alright, I think that I'm going to stop here for the night. A lot of things happened on Sunday and knowing how I write, it will probably take as much space just for that day as did for Friday & Saturday. No headlines tonight, maybe tomorrow...

I'm No Expert

I received a call today from a friend of mine. After a brief greeting, she went for the jugular, "Do you know anything about computers?" I opted against saying that I did know some stuff and went for the much safer approach - waffling. "Emmm, I know some. Why? What's the problem" See, this neatly gave me an out should I either A) not know the answer or B) the problem would take too long to solve, especially over the phone. Apparently, I did not waffle enough and the problem turned out to be both. In fact, I'm supposed to be researching her problem right now, but decided to write this entry instead (Sorry, Stacey - I'll get back to you eventually, I promise).

Let me say right here and now, that my hat is off to anyone that provides computer support over the phone. I realize that most of those people are working from scripts (much like I was today thanks to the Microsoft website), but they still have to deal with some amazingly stupid people. You know, the one's who think the mouse is an accelerator or that the CD tray is for their coffee mug. Phone support also requires the ability to visualize the problem the person is having. This is not one of my strong suits so I like to be sitting in front of the computer that I have been asked to fix.

I also like the owner of the computer to be someplace else - preferably Alaska. There is nothing worse than having them look over your shoulder asking questions like "what do you think is wrong with it?" This is mostly because I can't lie fast enough. Given a few minutes, I could come up with some great explanation such as, "Well, you see, your front side bus is out of sync with the DRAM and that is causing your system to (insert appropriate problem here)" It also makes you look like a god if they don't see you crawling under the desk to plug the computer back in from when they kicked out of the outlet. Another reason I don't like people looking over my shoulder - I can call my Dad.

Yep, I call my Dad for the most difficult problems - basically anything that can't be fixed by using Ctrl-Alt-Delete or whacking the computer with my hand. He's the true techno guru of the family, I'm just a wannabe. Oh sure, I can generally get software to work, but when it comes to either the hardware or the operating system, I turn and run like a 12 year old girl. Those two things scare the bejeezus out of me. One small, stray bit of static electricity and you fried the motherboard (done that) or one erroneously removed program and you can't start the computer (Stacey did that). Perhaps it's a matter of practice, but then, I'm sure, so is lion-taming and who wants to step into the cage full of lions for the first time?

I'm getting a bit better though. Perhaps it is the number of hours of TechTV that I watch each week. Eventually, it all just starts to seep into your brain and without warning you can have lenghty discussions on the performace differences between AMD and Intel processors (by the by, don't bother buying a 64-bit chipset, very few programs are optimized for it). Or, maybe, I've just gotten to a point in my life where I realize that fixing someone's computer problem is like playing with my neice. I can wind her up as much as I want then leave and let my sister try to get her to go down for the night. In other words, at the end of the day, no matter what I do, it's still your problem.

Oh and in the future, can you please submit this form before you call me?

FAN MAIL, I GOT FAN MAIL!
The following excerpt is from an actual e-mail that I received.

Another great post today! I look forward to these now, so don't let me down!!

Thanks sis, I'll try.

IN OTHER NEWS

SCORE ONE FOR GEORGE - MAYBE
Danish troops found suspicious shells in Iraq that may contain blister agents. Too bad that they appear to be surplus from the Iran-Iraq war in the '80s.

PERHAPS ALL THE JOKES ABOUT CLEANING UP DADDY'S MESS WEREN'T REALLY JOKES
According to Paul O'Neill, former Treasury Secretary, George was looking for an excuse to invade Iraq before 9/11.

RED ROVER, RED ROVER...
Spirit, NASA's Martian rover ready to leave lander and begin exploring. For pics from the rover, check out NASA - Home.

Where The Tire Meets The Road

It snowed today in Dayton. It began this afternoon at work and when I saw it I knew, in my heart of hearts. that I was in trouble. I wasn't in trouble because I would have to shovel the walk or clean off my car...no, I was in trouble because I would have to drive home.

Not long ago (December 7th, to be precise), it also snowed and I learned first hand the difficulty Ohioans have with their cars in snow, rain, sleet, high winds or any other type of weather where the sun isn't shining and driving conditions are perfect. I, unfortunately, had to be on the road that day so that I could attend a cheer competition that my cousin was taking part in. Normally, I would have passed on the deal, but it was relatively near my apartment and I wanted to get her a cheer sweatshirt for Christmas and this was the last opportunity that I had.

I live not far from Exit 2 on the interstate. I needed to get to Exit 17 or roughly 15 miles. In those 15 miles, there were not 1 or 2 or even 3 accidents. No, there were 5. Yes, you read right, there were 5 separate accidents. I travel to Chicago fairly regularly, a trip of about 340 miles and I have never, and I do mean never, seen more than 1 accident on the highway. To be fair, I don't recall ever driving to or from Dayton in the snow, but I have driven through rain that would have caused a sane person to pull over to the side of the road. Even then, I haven't seen more than 1 accident. Of course, I couldn't see more than 2 feet in front of my bumper, so I may have just missed them.

Now, I can't totally rag on Ohioans for their bad driving. I've starting to believe more and more that it is actually their lack of driving that causes most of the problems. See, I'm used to driving in Chicago where you can be on the highway at 5am on a Sunday morning and come to a dead stop because of traffic. Most people there don't need to bother with the traffic reports, it's just a constant, solid mass of vehicular steel morning, noon and night. Here, when I go to work in the morning, it's me and 8 other people on the highway. When it's really, really busy...there's 12. And that is where the true problem lies.

The lack of people on the road makes them inherently less safe. How could that be? you are probably wondering. Well, two reasons. First, without that many cars constantly driving over the same area, the water has time to freeze and become ice (alright, that may be redundant...what else would water become when it freezes? Aluminum?). Second, because they seem to do so little driving in slightly less than perfect conditions, Ohioans simply react badly.

Small multiple choice quiz....When hitting a patch of ice, what should you do? A) Slam on your brakes B) Speed up C) Maintain your current speed and direction D) Close your eyes and brace for impact. Of course, most people would say "C" and you would be correct. Unfortunately, it seems most Ohioans prefer answer "A". Yes, slamming on the brakes is an absolutely appropriate response should you wish to lock your tires on a surface where you have no traction. Nothing says "Howdy neighbor!" better than plowing into the side of someone's car.

Add to this a seemingly total disinterest in properly plowing and salting the roads - today I actually saw a salt truck spreading salt on the median - and is it any wonder that Ohio has the 8th highest highway fatality rate?

Needless to say, for all this belly-aching, the drive home was just fine - no accidents, no nothing.

IN OTHER NEWS...

COME SALINE AWAY, OH COME SALINE AWAY WITH ME
Today the FDA once again said that silicon breast implants don't do a body good and kept in place its decade old ban.

HAND ME A GLASS OF WATER, MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE
Elecia Battle admits that she lied about purchasing the winning Mega Millions lottery ticket.

CAN HE GO WITH? PLEASE?!?
Sometime next week, President Bush is going to announce plans to send astronauts to Mars and the Moon

Cold Weather

Let's start off with a confession (which isn't much of one if you know me)...I'm a smoker. I'm not necessarily proud of it, but I'm addicted and that is that. Now before you get onto your high horse and say that I should just quit, try not breathing for 3 minutes. That's okay, go ahead...I'll wait. Not so easy, is it? Same with trying to quit smoking. I have tried and I generally do fine for about the first 8 hours and then it just starts to gnaw at me. I try to resist, but that little voice in my head is very persistent (Come on, one more for the road. Nobody will know. I'm dying here!). So, here I am still smoking and I have to say I feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed about it. But then, I'm Catholic and we usually feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed about virtually everything.

Anyway, I had to get that out of the way so that I could get to the main part of today's post...cold weather. Now this won't be some long treatise on how much I like the cold, which I generally do. I am one of those people who can stand outside in the most frigid of temperatures without a coat. Doesn't bother me. Well, as long as it isn't too windy, then it's just freaking cold. I've come to believe that I must be at least distantly related to Roald Amundsen. No, this is much more mundane and, to me at least, a much more amusing topic.

While I like cold weather, it seems to have an odd affect on my urinary system. Right after coming in from the cold, I suddenly really, really, really have to go to the bathroom. Now, I'm sure that if I spent enough time searching the Internet, I could find a fine scientific explanation for why that happens, but who wants to spend that kind of time? Not I. (Okay, okay...I admit that I just spent 5 minutes looking for it but came up with nothing. Maybe I need to use different Google search terms. I guess "cold weather pee" weren't precise enough.)

You see, when I go outside to smoke (and this could be at work or at home), being right-handed, I will naturally use my right hand to hold the cigarette. My left hand will be tucked snuggly into my pocket, keeping it from the foul chill. As soon as I come in, I'm faced with a dilemma...I really have to go to the bathroom but my hand is now very, very cold. I see the light starting to dawn in the men's eyes, but I'm sure some females are still a bit confused. Bear with me and I will explain, but first a minor, though related, digression.

When men go to the bathroom, some "aiming" is required. Now, contrary to popular belief, we men are generally surprised and annoyed when we are standing, facing the toilet bowl and suddenly find we are hitting the bathtub or the floor. Just as generally, we shrug this off and continue with our lives knowing full well that the bathtub will drain and the floor will dry. This line of reasoning does not seem to impress many females (and possibly explains why I'm still single). However, in my defense, I do put the toilet seat down after I'm finished - most likely because when I was growing up my mother told me that she would slam my "wee-wee" in it the next time I left it up, but that's just a theory and another story.

For those in the audience who are still confused, think back to your sophomore year of high school and your Health Ed class. Remember that discussion of the male reproductive system and how certain parts need to be maintained at a certain temperature in order to "produce"? Needless to say, a very cold hand can lead to some shrinkage which, in turn, causes problems with the aim. The closest parallel that I can come up with is when you are using a video camera and are zoomed all the way in on something. Every minor movement that you make sends the camera way off what you are shooting. Same with peeing with cold hands. You stand there with a fit of the shivers all the while "el pistola" is rapidly retreating to warmer climes. Needless to say, this is a recipe for a major disaster.

Oh well, the floor will dry...eventually.

A Day in the Life

So, just so no one is any under any illusions about me and my life, here it is in a nutshell....I get up, get ready to go to work, go to work, work, come home from work, watch TV, eat dinner (when there's food in the apartment), watch more TV, get ready for bed, read, go to sleep. Repeat for the next 30 years or so. Not very exciting is it? Well, it's not quite that bad. Really. I promise.

Okay, now that you know what my average day is like, I guess I should mention a bit about myself. I recently moved to Dayton, OH from Chicago. What? you say. Yes, indeed. I traded a major metropolis for a very large suburb (of the previously mentioned metropolis). You see, the corporation that I am working for decided it was time to close their Chicago office and re-locate the division to Dayton where the rest of the company is. Given that jobs were scarce and prospects were dim in April 2003, I decided that I would be a good little corporate whore, relocate and follow my job. Now, it hasn't been all bad. I do have some family here which kept me sane for the first few months. Then I realized something...I'm a suburban boy and one suburb is just like another. Sure I'm 5 1/2 hours from most of my family and friends, but I do have a Quizno's and Chipolte's really close by, so I suppose that that makes it okay.

Anyway, I decided to start this blog for a few of reasons. One, as you can see from above, I watch way to much TV and needed to find a different hobby. Two, what a quick and convenient way to keep my friends and family - along with anyone else who happens to stumble across this blog - up to date with the latest Chris news. I thought I had a third reason, just to round them out nicely, but I'm stuck for the moment. Maybe it come to me later.

Until next time.