Warning - The Material You Are About To Read May Be Inappropriate For Small Children

"Perhaps, just perhaps", I said to myself when first contemplating this entry, "I'm about to reveal a bit too much about myself." Then I realized that my second post was entirely about the consequences of going to the bathroom with cold hands and decided that this is, if not any better, at least no worse.

You see, at some point in the past I seem to have become some sort of mad scientist. This is actually pretty surprising since:

• Madness does not run in my family - cancer, high blood pressure, heart disease and age-related dementia, sure! No madness though.
• I never really excelled in the sciences in school. Even though I somehow managed to get into the honors section of high school chemistry the only way that I actually passed the class was by borrowing other student's lab books and cribbing on the exams.

So with these two facts in mind, even I'm confused as to how exactly I descended into madness and bleeding edge research.

It is now apparent that I have become the Dr. Frankenstein of the refrigerator - trying to create life from lifeless flesh. Unlike the good Doctor, I think that, among other things, I'm using chicken (at this stage it is both difficult to remember or recognize what I started out with) and not human bodies for my experiment. Also, I don't have a trusty, humped-back assistant (Hump? What hump?) named Igor (pronounced either ee-gor or eye-gor, your choice)

The problem is that I only rarely cook so when I do, I generally make enough to have left-overs. Once I have sealed the remaining morsals of the meal into one of those nice Zip-Loc storage containers - this, by the way, is where Igor would really come in handy...he could do the dishes - I gently place it into the refridgerator and....promptly forget about them. Now since I don't cook that often, I don't shop that often, because I don't shop that often I don't generally have anything in my refridgerator, because I know that I don't have anything in the refridgerator I don't look in it for food, because I don't look into the refridgerator for food it any leftovers that I may have so carefully placed in there end up looking like the creeping crud.

Actually, it is a pretty good example of anerobic mold growth. What is anerobic mold growth, you ask? Besides being one of the countless useless pieces of information taking up space in my head for no real purpose (which is kind of the definition of useless), it is a when mold grows in an oxygen depleted state. Okay, enough real science for now, back to my story. Now, I'm not taking samples and putting them through the battery of CSI-esque tests that could reveal not only what type of mold it is, but also where it spent its childhood, when and with whom it last had sex, maybe - just maybe - answer that age old question...well, you get the idea.

I've actually become a bit scared to look in the fridge any longer. I've kept it trapped it trapped in the refridgerator for so long, who knows what a really, really pissed off mold is want to do. I suppose that when I do finally screw up the courage to confront this homicidal mold sample, I shall just have to do it wearing my official protective suit, just like the military wears. If you don't hear from me in the next few days, well, it's been nice knowing you and I'm leaving everything to Natalie...except the porn, which Kevin gets. specifically it's Kevin D who is getting the porn and not Kevin U - sorry, but I don't have any of the porn you like Kev.

Other Thoughts
I watched the entire Democratic National Convention - fine, it was like 2 months ago, but who's counting - and after listening to each of the speakers, including John Kerry, I decided that I'm voting for Bill Clinton again. I don't care that he is constitionally banned - because of the actual Constitution and because his constitituion isn't quite up to after the quadruple bypass surgery the other day - I'm still voting for him. Of course that assumes that I get my Ohio driver's licence and register to vote. I still have a few days.

I also watched President Bush's acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention. Which is really a shame since I missed Zell Miller (a Democrat) lay into the nominal head of his party. Though I guess we still come out on top...they get Zell Miller and we get John McCain. There is no possible way that I could do the President's speech justice...I'll let The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and John Bliss's Your Weekly Reader do it for me in a much smarter and funnier way than I ever could hope to acheive.

Oh, and in case you haven't yet figured out that I will not be voting to re-elect the current occupant of 1600 Pennslyvania Ave, here are a few other Bush related sites that I found very amusing.

Bush Yoga - Yoga Poses by George Bush

Bush Flip Flops